This is a guest blog post by Mathe Baniaga
There are people who are naturally forgiving, lenient and understanding. They make the perfect half of a relationship – whether it be romance or simply friendship. These kind souls are quick to open themselves to an erring partner or friend again, and again, and again. I dare say that they are the bravest of all because they have the courage to expose themselves to possible hurt and pain just one more time.
Zeroing in on a romantic relationship, it is quite an interesting thing to consider how the bond mutates or gets transformed after an act of infidelity – a violation of trust if you like. The ball will definitely be on the erring partner’s side and the way he or she plays it will determine whether the relationship survives or will die a sorry death.
Sometimes, remorse is not enough. A cooling off period may be beneficial to allow the aggrieved party to heal, think and reconsider. Weighing of the options comes next, as both parties decide whether there is merit in rebuilding the ruined trust or totally abandoning the prospect of life as a couple altogether.
At this stage of a relationship, efficient communication and maturity are vital in order to sort things out and if all else fail, to part ways without too much anger. This is easier said than done, particularly for the aggrieved party. That is why it is up to the erring partner to play it right by being calm, composed, gentle and contrite. Dousing the aggrieved partner’s fury with penitent acts usually works, coupled with a humble acceptance of his or her wrongdoing, not to mention a promise to remain faithful henceforth.
Nothing is more hurtful for someone whose trust has been betrayed, than to be blamed for the other partner’s act of infidelity. While there may be some truth to the accusation (i.e., she is not as loving and attentive to his needs anymore), if an erring partner wants to salvage the relationship, he or she should not mention that at this critical point. There are other ways and opportunities to bring up the matter – when the problem at hand has been resolved.
A solid foundation of trust, respect and assurances of love proves to be very helpful also if a relationship has to survive a trying time like infidelity of one of the partners. The erring partner always has the past track record of faithfulness to back his or her claim that what happened with the third party was not pre-meditated and that it was not meant to be taken seriously. Of course, the effectiveness of this wears off if the offender keeps on being unfaithful.
Having said all these, the single most important thing for the couple to consider after one of them is unfaithful, is the worth of the relationship as against the single act of infidelity. Is the relationship worth saving? If both partners are completely convinced that it is worth trying, then this should be their common goal, regardless of the feelings at hand. Again, this is easier said than done, because during such times, emotions would run feverishly high and usually overwhelm logic and reason.
That is why the erring partner should do everything in their power to restore a semblance of respect and trust for them in the aggrieved party, in order for both of them to move forward in salvaging the relationship. Having the survival of the relationship as the ultimate goal, gives them an anchor and an objective so that they will not be buffeted by the “storm” that is the act of infidelity.
One very important thing for the erring party to do, given that they both want to save the relationship, is to cut all ties or means of communication with the third party, making the aggrieved party understand that it is over beyond reasonable doubt. It is surprising how people who have been hurt “calm down” after such assurances, and achieve a more sober mood which is what exactly is needed in order to think more rationally.
At the end of the day, the quality and worth of the relationship as far as the partners are concerned, will determine whether it is worth saving at all. If it has been a gem of a bond all along, such a momentary trial should strengthen it all the more, making both parties strongly realize that they cannot afford to lose it. On the other hand, if it is not that valuable, then, this particularly tough time would bring the fact to the fore and will spell the end of it in the blink of an eye.
Guest Blogger: Mama Mathe
Guest Blogger’s Blog: http://www.matheubaniaga.com/
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March 18th, 2008 at 2:42 am
Whew! Two Thumbs Up for u Mathe. It happened to me after that LOVE and TRUST between us became much STRONGER..After that storm, we realized the worth of each other.
March 18th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Awesome post mathe!! The best write up i’ve kinda seen in my recent days!!
Do check out my blog and if u can, write a guest post for me too!!
March 20th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Love this post and also, LOVE the new layout!
April 5th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Wonderful post!
May 14th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
It’s a good post, no doubt, but I’m probably one of those rare forgiving folks. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t forgive any infidelity, there is a limit to my patience. But it does strike me every time how families break up after just one act of unfaithfulness. I completely understand it when adultery is in the veins of the erring party (so to speak), and they just can’t limit themselves to one partner. In this case, if another side is strictly monogamous the question does rise as to whether it’s worth to keep forgiving and sticking together (and bear in mind, forgive doesn’t mean to forget). The way I see it, if it happened suddenly and for the first time, the best thing people can do is to realise that their relationship is a unit. It does consist of two people, but in the end of the day, both of them are working on this relationship, so if one had erred, it must have happened for the reason. The best thing - from my point of view - is to be totally open with each other, but respectful. I agree that infidelity calls to question many things, including the worthiness of a relationship, but if this relationship is serious then the best thing is to take a plunge and talk frankly about any problems that led to infidelity. Pitying yourself and asking forgiveness are two most obvious and easy things to do.
Having said it all, what also strikes me is that on such occasions people focus too much on the physical side. Infidelity is seen predominantly as physical, so the issue isn’t about trust but about possessiveness. In my opinion there can be an infidelity to the very idea of a relationship. There can be lack of commitment, lack of respect, indifference, lack of togetherness, and to me these are much graver instances of infidelity than an act of physical closeness. In simple terms, you can be in a relationship but totally alone at the same time, and to err is human, as we know, so there can be no apology to infidelity either way.